“The drive to connect is in all of us and that’s the Nature part that kids come in with,”
says Ishtar Beck, “but the attachment itself is all Nurture… what happens in the world makes a big difference. What happens in the home makes a big difference.”
Most parents can easily recount the transition from the post-birth honeymoon phase, into a slightly less romantic phase where things like defiance and opposition set in. Maybe it was those “Terrible Two’s”, or “Furious Four’s”… or when their child started imitating the whining voice used by their best friend at school.
Striking a balance between Attachment and Boundaries
On the one hand, parents are afraid of being too restrictive on their children, not wanting to repeat the mistakes of their strict and unfair upbringing. However, the pendulum has now swung in the opposite direction, and many children now “rule the roost.” Many parents are left feeling helplessness. Not wanting to be harsh and not knowing what else to do, they give in to the child.
We are not equal in role
The problem with giving in to children’s uncontrollable behaviour is that while on the surface they may be “getting their way,” they feel fundamentally uneasy because children need their parents’ guidance. They may end up feeling anxious, even perpetually so. It’s the role of the parent, the best role model available, to lead children so that they learn to care for themselves and have confidence in themselves.
Healthy leadership over authoritarian rule
It is possible to show a loving AND effective face at the same time. If a child is allowed too many liberties and becomes the “leader,” in the long term this can create misery for the parents and anxiety for the child. For a healthy balance between loving attachment and firm boundaries, the parent must learn to lead with conviction and compassion.
Ishtar Beck, counsellor and parenting expert, maintains that attachment, the loving bond between parent and child, is the key to leading with conviction and compassion. Ishtar Beck specializes in helping parents create healthy boundaries and firm limits with their children in a loving, consistent way, without being authoritarian, contradictory, hypocritical, and confusing.
Parenting ABCs: Attachment + Boundaries = Confidence!
with Ishtar Beck
September 24, 2015
Ishtar Beck MA, CCC, is a family counsellor who specializes in parenting facilitation, and has helped hundreds of parents navigate through some of their most difficult times, guiding them to return to healthy and happy family relationships!